“I can't deny it, I can’t deny you.

The magic of the Sun mystifies me; it covers my scars, heals my wounds, and awakens my heart. Thus, when it set to relieve the sky of day and to let the Moon clock-in for it’s shift, on this particular evening, I was in sync with my mind and body shifts as darkness took over. It was as if unit 107 took the pathway to me and stood in front of the windshield of my vehicle, urging me in.

“I can’t deny it, I can’t deny you.”

I pulled into my parking space after a photoshoot, dreading the pathway to my apartment door. It was not the path that I was afraid to walk, but the door, rather, I feared to unlock. I knew once I went in, I would not be going back out because I also knew that my phone would not ring with the tone I had been anticipating all day. Instead of entering my home, I sat motionless in my Kia with my windows down to allow the evening breeze to flow in while I watched the Sun set.

I can’t deny it, I can’t deny you.

 Politely, I started my ignition, reversed out my parking space and took the road to the Riverside University Health System Medical Center. I practiced my breathing on the drive; keeping the windows down, I inhaled through the nostrils, took the breath down to the abdomen and slowly exhaled, pushing the breath back up with my abdomen and following it through my mouth. I repeated this action several times. “I guess it is time to check-in” I thought. I used to check patients in, in the emergency room and interviewed them to receive consent for inpatient, 96 hour holds in Missouri. I wondered, back then, what would make a person unable to control the thoughts in their mind to the extent that they would need a doctor to hold them from their freedom and protect them from themselves?

I can’t deny it, I can’t deny you.”

My diagnosis is simple, one a therapist nearly questioned once, yet did not bother to incise, but it is also one that does not require a therapist. I struggle with the thought of being alone, and never reproducing and never giving all of my woman to a man. I struggle with the thought that I am unlovable, unprotectable, not able to be provided for by men, cared for by men, unable to be committed to by the man of my choosing. Pity me, right? What a shame. What a shame in this Independent, Strong, Successful, Black Millionaire Woman era.

I can’t deny him, I can’t deny you.

But there bees not need for pity on me.. YES. That is what has my mind twisted. That is what has my energy levels low. That is what has me emotionally drained. That is what has me stuck. That is what keeps me from moving. YES. Perhaps that is the root cause of my premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or abdominal cysts. YES. And I am no longer ashamed to admit that. The Source of my pain (mental and physical) is a man, and no man at all. Yes.

I can’t deny him, I won’t deny you.

The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22, “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor.” I’d like to think that I am a good thing. I work myself day and night to be a good thing. To let the light that be within, shine and have free reign. I do everything I can to monitor the bad things and to cleanse myself from them so that I might be pure. So much so, I created a mantra from a poem that I wrote, Justus, that I speak daily to affirm purpose in my garden: I will conduct myself in such a way that I always show up as your Star. Light in the dark, bright sure to spark life and reproduce it again. And use my voice to be your music and see you rising up even when they think you’re losing. I wrote that poem for him, for us. All of us. So we all can have favor! 

I can’t deny Him, I won’t deny you.

In addition to understanding he is necessary, I am careful that I don’t make him my God. During praise and worship without fail, I gladly lift my hands, I proudly raise my voice. I happily give shouts of joy and I vulnerably love on Him in His Presence in His House, in the shower when no one is watching and I speak all of my pleasures and all of my concerns to Him. I keep a song in my heart to Him.

I can’t deny Him, I won’t deny you.

Instead of taking a left onto Cactus Avenue, I decided to continue straight to stop by the old neighborhood in which I grew up. I missed my Granny, and although I could hear her voice and feel her Presence, the house on Angella Way was the only place I could see her. I pulled up and parked on the side of the house and immediately noticed the feel of a stillness, a calmness, a familiarity. The sight of the home brought a solace. After a few moments, I heard:

“You can go home, but just stay a little while longer”.

I can’t deny it, I won’t deny you.

I knew it was God talking to me so to engage in conversation, my mind had a sudden clearing of noisy thoughts and made space for me to feel the Presence of the Lord and hear His voice. I needed Him now, in that moment, more than ever.

I can’t deny it, I won’t deny you.

“I am so glad you came. I was on my way to check myself in, you know? But I don’t think they can take care of me in the way that you will. You provide a protection for me in which my own mind could not prosper against me. You give me love in abundance in spite of everything. “

I can’t deny it, I won’t deny you.

“Good thing you chose me. If you drove there, they would drown out my voice with questions you don’t have the answer to and medication that leaves you without the power of your mind, with less of your access to me. You experience the pain and division in your mind because you need to trust me. Don’t let it be the ounce of doubt that keeps you away. That ounce of doubt, as you experienced, can amplify, multiply and spread like cancer. Don’t you remember, at this house, you told me the desires of your heart regarding love as you were looking into your Grandmother’s mirror. You made your heart known and very vulnerable to me without anyone ever telling you about me. I gave you a promise that you received. Do you remember that? That was a precious moment between you and I. That promise is what you will have. Let go of all doubt and fear, the ways of the world cannot have you. You are mine. Believe in me.”

I can’t deny Him, I won’t deny you.

Oh, yes. I need a friend. I need a love that is long-lasting, now. Send me your Spirit, God. Fill me up with your overflow, oh Gracious God. I needed to hear a Word from you. Thank you, Oh Lord for your Presence and your Divine Timing. Thank you.

I can’t deny IT, I won’t deny you.

I kept the windows down on the drive home and it seemed like moments sped past before I arrived at the complex. I parked in my space, then offered up gratitude for making it home safely, in the same evening, with freedom in the will, and liberty in the overflow of the Spirit and a Trust and knowing, that supersedes understanding.

I can’t deny IT, I won’t deny you.

My world may be crumbling, but I know it’s not. The ground may be caving in, but I am aware that it is solid. This is what it feels like when a world is falling together in place, just as a mess spreads in the Spring before it becomes clean.

I cannot deny you and I won’t. You are my Savior. And I accept that.

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