Beauty. ✨

A term I have always been fascinated with. The words used to define it were not as intriguing as my desire to see it around me and beyond, experience it and perhaps embody the definition of what it means – created by me.  U n t a i n t e d  by the World’s view.  

But whenever I found myself gazing in the mirror – which I did frequently, my Granny had them customized and placed to cover practically every wall – I never saw her as beautiful.  

She had deep skin with eczema covering it, hair wasn’t tamed the way it “should” be, silver teeth turned into twisted, crowded teeth, she wasn’t slim and her eyes weren’t green, resembling her father’s. I stared at her as to look and see what she was working with, but then I looked past her and studied her beyond what my eyes could see.

I was not enchanted in the mirror with her because I was impressed by what appeared. It wasn’t there for me to me; my thoughts of myself were the things I wanted to mutate. 

It was strange though because there was this something I could feel, glistening softly inside me, quivering throughout and around my energy centers.

Exquisite.

Exceptional.

Extraordinary.

Aren’t I supposed to be seeing this when I look at and into her? I feel this feeling I N S I D E  ME. It was difficult to grasp why when I looked at my reflection, outside of myself, I wasn’t this pretty – this magnificent. 

The magnificence I felt was remarkably prominent, specifically, when I would be in motion, in sync; singing, dancing. The intensity of the sensation within would spread throughout the whole of my being. My mind body and emotion synchronizing together, at it’s peak, A L I G N I N G . It became what I yearned to experience at all times. Us looking and feeling good, harmonizing. My outside mirroring my inside.

I knew, if I could somehow mend the two I would love what I saw when I looked at her. I’ve spent my childhood through adulting years in the mirror doing the math, making it make sense. It has since been my greatest curiosity. Why when I feel good and I like what I see in the mirror, that feeling is amplified and I somehow receive compliments of confirmation.

I was about 15, walking home from school with my cousin when it all began to line up. She turned suddenly from our path and headed in the direction of a boy from our neighborhood, whom is dear to my heart now, but I was angry with at the time. I called to her, “Where are you going? I’m not talking to him right now.” She replied “Okay” and continued towards him. 

I real-life felt a sensation quickly form together to volcanically erupt whenever she would walk back over to me. I was prepared to let – her – have – it. All in the moment, I was repelled by my reaction, but I still had to  w i n .. bound by the need to let her know and let her know some more about how wrong and disloyal of a human being she was. The instant she came back to her, that large, monstrous energy spit out in the form of distasteful, venomous, volatile words.

Oh, she got me furious..talking to the enemy, I mean where was her loyalty?

Ahaha .. that’s hilarious when I think about it. Lol.

But let’s pause for a moment —

Can you safely refer back to a time when you had to pop off because you were betrayed? Yea, she used those same words towards my cousin to tell her who she was. Words that even today, as a woman, are still harsh to use.

Did she deserve to be talked to like that? Isn’t there a better way to convey disappointment of one’s actions?

What did he do to me that was so bad that my cousin was required to stay away? As if he would harm her? But we all know the reason for my tantrum was far more self centered than me being concerned about my cousin’s well being.

〈 Because I am sharing my experience and I know my cousin is a faithful reader of my blog, I find it appropriate to address you in writing to make sure you know I mean what I say when I tell you I deeply apologize for exploding and talking to you in this manner. There is nothing that justifies my action. I know I’ve told you time and time again and you forgive me time and time again, but you deserve the highest behavior from me and everyone in your life. You are a remarkable, unbelievable woman. Love so huge, you deserve that in return, always. I know you, I know your story, I know your heart and I vow to treat you with the utmost love and respect. *hugs & smooches* 〉

Ironically, telling her who she was ultimately nudged me to question the recipe of Tahirih? If this has to be me then I really will never like her, not even a little bit, I repeatedly thought. I finally understood that my ugliness had to do with no one else but me. Can’t blame it on my parent’s, grandparent’s, cousin, the alcohol ;). That ugly was my own issue.

After seeing myself like that, I had a decision to make and it had to be done quick. I was so disgusted with me, I wanted to go away . . to a place where mirrors were nonexistent . . a place where no one would find me -if they would even look. I wanted to go  I N S I D E  where I could just be -liberated- free from skin and bones. Free of form. Sometimes you could find me in my closet, other times at school sitting on the steps, I got a car – maybe there – or somewhere no one ever bothered to look.

. . Hiding from me, Inside of me . .

When I went in, I learned “leaving” ain’t an option because I possess the powers of a Superhuman which resemble that of the Black Obsidian + I am saved.

Although I didn’t see it when I looked in the mirror, I remained fascinated with beauty and it’s layered mysteries. Today, I stay to do the math and to create a beautiful melody with my inside outside. 

I am grateful because Ugly didn’t hold me hostage or inhibit me from beaming. In fact, it gave me a reason to escape to my safe haven – sacred to me – my greatest secret because I knew something no one else knew. I knew that when they said I was beautiful they were seeing what I was feeling. I knew it wasn’t the two eyes they used when they were looking at me. There was something else they connected to. Their compliments provided confirmation of what I already knew to be existing within me . . . pure beauty.

So – this is what I do: I come here, I N S I D E .. watch, observe and respond from here. Here is . .

P R E S E N C E

When I am here I can objectively monitor and observe what I’m thinking, feeling and doing and ask: am I in formation? Are we grooving to the same beat? When I am here, I see that I AM the producer to that beat that we are grooving to. When I am here I see that I AM  f o r e v e r  producing and grooving and producing the beat that I am grooving to so if I am not moved by my groove, I must change what I AM producing. It’s on me to create a music that tickles the energy centers of my life reflecting a me that is exceptional, living and dancing in joy.

L O V E

From here, I accept my whole being as phenomenal in a way that is beyond what eyes can see. I am sacred, gracious and pure, from here.  

Here I see and accept: I got an attitude, my hips are thick, my skin is Black, I get stuck in my head about things that don’t matter, I’m stubborn. I want to do right by myself and others. I like music, numerology, astrology, psychology, metaphysics, and Church on Sundays at RJC and it’s all okay.

From here I see when I’m just being honest with myself, it requires no effort to let inner beauty be.

From here, it is easy to be kind to people because from here, I can see their resemblance to me. I feel the joy n mee when I do.

From here I see boys II men value me more when I am pleased with me, being me without fronting. From here it doesn’t matter if my face is beat, hair and nails on fleek, and fit is clean  –  boys II men still want to check for their harvest in my garden.

From here,

A U T H E N T I C I T Y

is the freshest, purest fragrance accessible to mankind.

From here, I embrace that feeling inside first to let that ooze into a definition of me. When I AM here I see beauty clearly, understanding that this is the only way to like who I am reflecting. Here has been the key to healing my life.

T H A N K  Y O U

 – 4 –

• allowing me to be free in form and out of form because I Love you and let you see that I do.
• letting me see who I AM. 
• allowing me to be the true embodiment of what it means to have you in me.
• being here,  a l w a y s .

I N S I D E  H E R E  L O V E  C A N  B E  F O U N D

Do you struggle with loving, adoring and accepting the person you see when you look at your reflection? Look again. Look again. Then look some mo’. Then go beyond. Continue to find reasons to be patient, compassionate, and giving to this human that you are. It is my sincere hope that you connect to the God Love and Beauty within to let it pour all over you and overflow to everyone around you.

We are all beautiful…we all possess the the gold provided by The Source. If you have a hard time finding it, shift where you are mining it.

What do you use as your base make-up foundation?

P l e a s e  leave a comment below sharing your beauty secrets.