I promise you, I died countless times . .

My parent’s apartment was shot up when I was three months old; they found a bullet lodged in the wood of the crib.

One year old, left alone in a parked car for a quick second. My one year old person climbed into the driver seat of the van to set it in motion on Angella Way and swerved through Mariners Point. As I approached Perris Boulevard, Granny’s neighbor finally caught up to the moving van and knocked me out of the driver seat to  . .

. . take the wheel .

He saved my life.✨

I was six when I dreamed I saw my raped, sliced body in a ditch .. but I had these kind of death dreams frequently throughout my childhood. Emotions do not differentiate between imagination and reality; it is an experience either way.

One in which I was dead.

..Then I awakened..✨

About 8 when I was followed, on two separate occasions, by a scary Latino man in the library and out of a candy store.

But I got away.✨

15, on the dance floor with a boy at a house party when I saw another pull a gun out of his pants to then start blasting . .

My boyfriend, at age 16, cheated. I’m unsure how I survived that.

I over-corrected on the 110 S into three 360 spins and stopped facing oncoming traffic.

I was let off the free-way.✨

A man ran a red light of a Missouri intersection and t-boned the driver’s side which sent us flying over the intersection divider, above oncoming traffic, and into a parked Chrysler 300, an inch from a light pole on the passenger’s side. The driver left in the ambulance with a neck brace to the hospital.

I walked away . .✨ 

. . and caught the next flight to California.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Cancer then died three weeks later.

That was last year.

On my journey to the airport, July 7, 2017 to pick up a friend who would help me drive back home to California, I attempted to do a little swerve out of the lane and back in to avoid hitting a block of wood in the fast line, which resulted in me whipping my car across the lanes and into a huge, old Cadillac. The outcome: the Cadillac was in perfect condition along with the nice young brotha driving it. He was concerned about my well being 😉 . Kobe had a small black bruise on the front bumper and a missing license plate.

I was protected ✨

Not too bad . . I made it back home to California, in One piece.

This moment, right now, as I’m transitioning  into a new lifestyle, I am experiencing a death. With the realization that the life I dreamed of having by 24 never bore any fruit, I feel starved of a nutritious, purposeful existence. I had always struggled with setting realistic long term goals for myself and didn’t feel I possessed the capacity to execute. But now, sitting here at almost 26, I am in deep sadness, drowning in the “Why?”. Why couldn’t I have been more privileged? Why couldn’t I focus my mind on success instead of survival? Why didn’t I have confidence to perform and follow through?

And so what now? It’s not like I lost all hope or desire…that still lives in me…I feel it and it feels good…but I do need to lose this here attitude of depression and defeat.  

I’ve had many of these moments – they are never like the one before. It is not as if I become immune to death by burying an old desire and it no longer torments me through the process.

∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞

Fear had to be diminished so Love could rise.

It’s how it is every time I write then share these blog posts.

∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞  ∞

. . . I grow into the acceptance of the ending of a thing and experience distressing yet welcomed blasts of breakdown to the fire, and I walk out, beaming light . . .

It pulls me in as I am screaming and desperately begging for help, I relinquish into the force because I know it can.

It . .

Let me go to bring me back to life again.

Released my soul to give me back to life again.

 I’m still here.

For only one reason

-One-

I’ve noticed how life and death have been intrinsically threaded into the theme of my life’s path.

Gifts are presented when I continue to surrender to the idea that death plays a key role in life’s cycle and a renewal is required to allow the ego to die so higher life can live ..

again .. and .. again .. and .. again.

Death is dark; that light-life thing ceases and the surrounding emotions do as well. An experience of death while breeds more death and death like experiences – the law of attraction – a sort of creation is borne through it and the fear of it dissipates.

If I just let it .

To grow and evolve, I must allow certain thought patterns, behaviors, attitudes, ideas, relationship and ego to cease followed by a quick listen inward for ways to be pushed up beyond the dirt again.

It’s how  I  a l w a y s  win.

A couple of years ago, I was planning a future with a young man when suddenly, he ghosted me. No explanation, nothing. Days, weeks, months went by and I heard nothing from him.

Just because he evaporated, doesn’t mean that my love did.

So : I waited for him.

I prayed, meditated, journal, cried, asked questions, listened and waited. I wrote E-Love Letters filled with open, loving warm words with arms ready to accept whenever he would decide to return to me. Because he would decide to return to me: if not in the form of our future life together, it would be a phone call or a reply to my E-Love Letters.

While he left me, I was still in relationship with him.

I’m the type that needs God answers regarding Love, not something I piece together in my mind that feeds and consoles ego.

•••Before I let go •••

I  n e e d  to Know.

 I shifted gears to improve myself during the wait. If he came back with an offering, I wanted to be smart and strong in accepting/denying .. not desperate. I needed to know all that I was “packing”. I improved my cooking skills, became more health conscious, routinely cleaned and offered a labor of love when I could. I enhanced my spiritual life and made sure I got it in at the gym five days per week, minimum. I earned a promotion at work.

I became sweeter . .

More forgiving . .

I developed a pretty darn good package – I’m just saying.

Yes, real life . . did that .

Five months later, he called me from a blocked number while traveling across the country to move into his new home with his daughter’s expected birth date.

•

•

•

Death to my vision and desire of him and I creating a world together.

I welcomed a life of freedom to a sweet, patient, loving, gracious, health conscious, spiritual, emotionally available, well-packaged Tahirih.

Death doesn’t mean I have to physically die, but something can while I am born again.  I am free from bitterness because I see what happens when I plant seeds with the whole of my heart.

My lifetime partner will be pleased to know that this patience and desire living in me, I carved out and perfected intentionally to become, maintain and attract a Divine Love that can purposefully walk in togetherness.

I believe everything experienced can work towards the good of all.

Affirm: I will surrender to the core as many times as needed to continue to Serve.

You saved me then, now and always, and for that I’ll sow my life.

Throughout all of the darkness, I will be the holder of your light.

I will serve…with Honor.

#Joynmee

How often do you experience a circumstance in which you feel deprived of life or options? Do you flip your view of the situation to work in your favor? Comment below. Let’s talk about it.

. . . clearing negativity, revealing truth . . .